


From the Desk of Arkady Kolcheck

by ArkadyLady



Category: NCIS: Los Angeles
Genre: Gen, chapters not in chronological order, densi mentioned, g callen (mentioned), kensi blye (mentioned), marty deeks (mentioned), sam hanna (mentioned)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 19:05:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5597338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArkadyLady/pseuds/ArkadyLady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Memos sent from Arkady Kolcheck.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Memo One (Post-"Beacon")

_From the Desk of Arkady Kolcheck._

To the nice people of  N.C.I.S.:  
  
I was recently part of one of your recent cases. What part? Is not important. What is important is that agency owes me new bed.

After reviewing my security footage I noticed two of your associates, pretty lady with good hair and Mr. Goldilocks with not good hair, having, let’s say, activities in my guest bedroom. I am not angry. Since I cancel HBO, I do not see such things.  That bedroom is also for guests I do not like. Still, I would appreciate new bed. It is principle, you see.

I would also tell you to give advice to your people:

  1. They could have used heated pool feature.
  2. Ear thing gets old quickly.



Thank you kindly,

Arkady Kolcheck, Esquire

P.S. If new bed is not option, pretty lady and blond friend can just make sure I do not die, yes? All is well.


	2. Memo Two (Post-"Reznikov, N.")

_From the Desk of Arkady Kolcheck._

To the nice people of  N.C.I.S.:

I wish to make suggestion.  Your agents need driving lessons. 

Please know that I care deeply for my friend Callen. He is not safe driver, though. He should learn not all people on road are after him. These people would benefit from indicators. It is law. And polite.  (He should also not question cargo of another man. Is not polite. I sense pattern.) 

Now for miss pretty agent.  She is also not best. I think she enjoys bumps in road. She also spends much time looking at man I call Barney. Much time. Barney is not road. 

You should offer ginger ale to passengers of agents for nausea. And vodka. Is polite.

Barney is probably not great driver either. I am not sure he would be able to see road with his hair.  And do not get me started on your very large agent. I have met him. He probably ties people he does not care for to hood. 

Please know I do not complain. I only suggest. I am friend of agency. Because I am friend, I will recommend my best driver, Vasya. For his safety, please do not look him up in your fancy computers. For your safety, please do not ask him full name when you are in car with him near abandoned buildings and large dumpsters.  

Because I am good, good friend, I will pay for these lessons. It is my way of thanking America. Please consider offer.

Polite friend and generous man,  
Arkady Kolcheck, MFA

P.S. I call blond man Barney because he looks like brother-in-law’s dog. I now realize name was only funny to me.  And maybe brother-in-law.


	3. Memo Three

_From the Desk of Arkady Kolcheck_   
  


To my long-lost friends at N.C.I.S.:  
  


What? You forget about your friend Arkady? You do not call. You do not write. You do not leave secret codes for me in places. I am hurt!

We have good times, yes? I am reason for much fun like scenic horseback ride for my friend G and his big friend. (I know how they like their dates.)

Is there reason you do not want my help? I know it is not because you do not need it. I am always full of help.

Has my friend G told you about time when I accidentally forgot to fill him in on plan? I promise I knew he would escape from bad guys. I had full faith and got him beef stroganoff after.

Do you not like gifts I sent? I did not steal them if you have those worries. I got them legally from blackmail and secret poker games. Are those legal? I do not know. I am not lawyer, and American law is strange.

I promise I have much free time. I have watched all of the show with British bakers and need new entertainment.

I will be honest. I miss you all. I miss working with my dear friend G. Never boring. I assume he misses his best friend, too. I miss his big friend Sam who loves me like a brother, I am sure. His annoyance? Is only jealousy that I am best friend of G.

I even miss pretty agent lady and her friend with lots of blond hair. I miss Hetty. Always excitement with her. 

I hope to see you all soon. We will have good times.

 

Your good, helpful friend,  
Arkady Kolcheck, KBE


	4. Memo Four

_From the Desk of Arkady Kolcheck_

 

To my friends at N.C.I.S.:

I am writing because, again, I feel like I am no longer friend. Also, I am learning to share feelings. We all have room to grow, yes?

I see pretty agent lady and cop man with hair. I help them. Cop man gets my jewelry. I have to choose different jewelry on date next night. Am I mad? No. Glad to help. Have not been paid by new boss, but she called. Said I would not be paid. I am not fan.

I am still not mad, though. You guys are great. Cheap but great.

I am sad to hear of engagement of agent lady and cop man. They share treats but do not share news with me, old friend, Arkady Kolcheck! I hear of engagement from other source. (Which source? Is not important.)

I am hurt.

Lucky for agent lady and cop man, I am forgiving. I will attend wedding and hope to see invitation.  

Because you are friends, I will even sing for free. Any party with Arkady is great party! I am not just good time guy, I am **best time** guy.

Please send list of songs so I can practice.

I do not need registry. I have already bought gifts. Please do not ask many questions about gifts. Less information is for best.

 

Arkady Kolcheck, Pompatus of Love


End file.
